It's just a flesh wound.

Prof: Student, what if the suspect stabbed the woman in the head with a machete and ran away with the purse? Is deadly force justified? He still has the purse. But not the machete… It’s with the woman.

Student: um.

Prof: She’s not dead, don’t worry. We’ll make this PG-13. She’s going to be okay.

Glad it wasn't just me.

Prof [re: chapter on corporate formalities]: This is the most boring reading assignment of the semester, maybe of your entire life. I like to set the expectations low.

Where is this going?

Prof: You can argue that tax law is invalid, but if I don’t pay they’ll put liens on my assets. It won’t do them any good, because I don’t have any assets. I spent them all on my children.

Quiverfull of blunt sticks

Prof: You can’t coerce gratitude. I wish you could; I have eight kids, and if I could make them grateful I could retire.

Things you learn in school

Student, upon looking up the seven deadly sins and corresponding virtues: What!? Chastity's a virtue?

The true distinction of common law

Prof: I love talking about the English law system, obviously because it is all about cross-dressing. And wigs! It’s all about the wigs!

Ready for V-day?

But I try to keep my opinions out of lectures...

Prof: Bork’s positivism can’t be applied, so it’s no better than the positivism of these other guys. In a word, positivism sucks.

Ignore the subtext.

Prof: Why did we fight the revolution?

Student: To get rid of oppressive imperialist England?

As opposed to woodshedando

Written on cello part to Beethoven’s 5th above a particularly challenging run of 32nd notes: Fake-issimo

Let's not get into family law here.

Prof: Let’s say you are my daughter, and you have a curfew of 10:00. The prom goes until 12 or 1. Now if you ask me if you can go to the prom, and I say “yes,” knowing the prom times, have I impliedly given you permission to stay out past 10 that night?

Student: If you were my dad, no.

A license to tautologize

Prof: If I were an economist, that would be a redundant phrase—reduce the cost, increase the efficiency. I’m not an economist, thank goodness.

BJU Alumn Chris Sligh: Next American Idol?

I've never followed AI before, but I had to check out Jon's bro, and I'm glad I did. I think I found my new favorite band. I know, I know, it's lame to jump on the bandwagon so late, but I really didn't know Chris and his band were so good before the (pseudo)media caught on. Jon, I'm holding you personally responsible for not telling me before.

Ok, have we left anyone out, now?

Prof: When Stevens wakes up every morning, he gets a surprise. O’Connor is sick. We thought Rehnquist was going to last forever.

While we're at it...

Prof: This is a typical Douglas opinion… which is to say that it’s virtually unintelligible.

Not to get personal...

Prof: [Justice] Holmes was a dirty old man. And he was mean-spirited. The fact that he is lionized by so many people should be disturbing.

Law students aren't drunks! They're art lovers!

Excerpt from email from the Student Bar Association (no pun intended):

Since the [Law School] does not condone drinking, we are hosting a tour of some of the finest architecture the Pubs in Chicago have to offer. Saturday, February 10th, we will be visiting some of the finest pubs around Lincoln Park/wrigleyville. Nothing is more impressive than they way Beaumont's ceiling is supported by 4 weight-bearing "dancing" poles or the fine craftsmanship that went into creating Barleycorn's 21 beer taps.

Did it come with satisfaction guaranteed?

Prof: Take my summary (of the history of philosophy) for what it’s worth. You paid an enormous amount for it.

What do you get if you baptize Nietzche?

Prof: Thomas Aquinas is Aristotle baptized.

You were really gonna cite that?

From a 1968 2nd Circuit case (our friend Judge Friendly, who else?), discussing the foreseeability of a drunk sailor stupidly sinking a boat:

Moreover, the proclivity of seamen to find solace for solitude by copious resort to the bottle while ashore has been noted in opinions too numerous to warrant citation.