Hold me back...

First, let me apologize for my recent lack of posting; I've just returned to classes after a 10-week internship. Unfortunately, my tax accountant colleagues were not nearly as quotable as my professors. Spending all that time in a classroom must do something to a person.

Anyway, on with the show...

Prof (describing a group project): You'll like it about as well as you'll like just about any other required educational activity.

Did you tell the SEC about your lemonade stand?

From Business Associations:

…[T]he securities laws apply to lots of things that don’t look very much like securities at first glance. For example, investments in worm farms.

Only effective way I can think of

From Business Associations:

It is perhaps a cheap way of getting your attention, but it is nevertheless worth pointing out that securities regulation issues reportedly are the single most common source of legal malpractice claims against business lawyers.

That was free.

Prof: Men and women speak different dialects, and men, the quicker you learn to translate, the better chance you have of having (and keeping) a significant other.

I don't remember that from Greek class.

Prof: Hercules is the Greek word for muscles… and for doing stupid things while you’re drunk.

Good point. Do I get a refund?

Prof: There’s no reason that you should borrow large amounts of money so that the school can pay me an obscene salary to teach you about clothes when the emperor doesn’t wear any.

...and if I have shinguards.

Prof: If you went to visit a married friend and he said “Hey, come on in, watch the game,” and his wife said “Under no circumstances am I allowing you into my house.” Would you go in?

Student: Depends who’s playing.

And the car was from Jupiter...

Prof: Can a dog sniff the car?

Student: Yes, that would be okay.

Prof: What about a robot probe?

Student: No, that would be a violation.

Prof: What if it was a dog that was in an accident and was half-dog, half-robot?

Student: Um?

Vote for Pedro

[when discussing a tax provision that denies business deductions for drug dealers]

Student: Does this ever come up? I mean do drug dealers really file tax returns?

Prof: I don’t think there are many drug dealers filing tax returns and trying to deduct their flights to Columbia.

Student: So why is this in here?

Prof: Because some Congressman wanted to show his constituents he was tough on drugs.


HT: the Bard

Hungry, anyone?

Granny and the grenade

Favorite quote:

But what if she had cooked it?

Nah, I just watch Law & Order

Student, describing the facts of a case: Well, the police tagged the suspect and identified the house they thought had drugs. They finished casing the place, and…

Prof: “Casing the place?” Are you part of the underworld?

Dividendcandy Mountain

Prof, on the corporate duty of care: It expects you to be really good but only holds you accountable for being really bad. What’s in between really good and really bad is fluff we feed to the masses to keep them happy.

I only weave when I'm committing securities fraud.

Student: Yeah, I think it might be reasonable to search cars on a routine traffic stop.

Prof: That’s reasonable? So, maybe the driver is weaving and speeding because he’s… mounting his rocket launcher?

Student: Well, maybe LSD makes you weave and speed in a certain way. I don’t know.

Prof: Sure you don’t.

Seen in Starbucks

I saw this in the stall of the restroom at Starbucks. The last line made me laugh.

But Erin Brockovich was on last night...

Prof: That was in the optional reading. You guys all did the optional reading, right? I know I always did while I was in law school.

That's got to crimp your academic research.

Student, illustrating a civil procedure point: It’s not Jane Foster, but it’s a good law movie.

Prof: I won’t watch a Julia Roberts movie. I’m sorry—I just can’t do it. They make me physically ill.

Is this a trick question?

Prof: Student, what do you think about altruism?

Student: I think it’s nice… Yeah, it’s a good thing.

Why Michiana is still inhabited

Prof, as current temperature is 4 degrees Fahrenheit: I think I just have short memory. I forget winter during the summer, and summer is too short for me to move before it’s winter again.

You don't know the answer, do you?

Business Associations Prof: Student, does that make sense?

Student: Well, being that I don’t know a whole lot about business associations—

Prof: That’s why you’re here.

Student: And I am enriching myself in the discipline daily.

Prof: With great wonder and excitement, no doubt.

That and they won't date you...

Prof: The worst thing you can see in grad school when you walk into your first class is three nuns in the front row. Their homework will ALWAYS be done. I'm a human being! I shouldn't have to be judged by nuns!

It's just a flesh wound.

Prof: Student, what if the suspect stabbed the woman in the head with a machete and ran away with the purse? Is deadly force justified? He still has the purse. But not the machete… It’s with the woman.

Student: um.

Prof: She’s not dead, don’t worry. We’ll make this PG-13. She’s going to be okay.

Glad it wasn't just me.

Prof [re: chapter on corporate formalities]: This is the most boring reading assignment of the semester, maybe of your entire life. I like to set the expectations low.

Where is this going?

Prof: You can argue that tax law is invalid, but if I don’t pay they’ll put liens on my assets. It won’t do them any good, because I don’t have any assets. I spent them all on my children.

Quiverfull of blunt sticks

Prof: You can’t coerce gratitude. I wish you could; I have eight kids, and if I could make them grateful I could retire.

Things you learn in school

Student, upon looking up the seven deadly sins and corresponding virtues: What!? Chastity's a virtue?

The true distinction of common law

Prof: I love talking about the English law system, obviously because it is all about cross-dressing. And wigs! It’s all about the wigs!

Ready for V-day?

But I try to keep my opinions out of lectures...

Prof: Bork’s positivism can’t be applied, so it’s no better than the positivism of these other guys. In a word, positivism sucks.

Ignore the subtext.

Prof: Why did we fight the revolution?

Student: To get rid of oppressive imperialist England?

As opposed to woodshedando

Written on cello part to Beethoven’s 5th above a particularly challenging run of 32nd notes: Fake-issimo

Let's not get into family law here.

Prof: Let’s say you are my daughter, and you have a curfew of 10:00. The prom goes until 12 or 1. Now if you ask me if you can go to the prom, and I say “yes,” knowing the prom times, have I impliedly given you permission to stay out past 10 that night?

Student: If you were my dad, no.

A license to tautologize

Prof: If I were an economist, that would be a redundant phrase—reduce the cost, increase the efficiency. I’m not an economist, thank goodness.

BJU Alumn Chris Sligh: Next American Idol?

I've never followed AI before, but I had to check out Jon's bro, and I'm glad I did. I think I found my new favorite band. I know, I know, it's lame to jump on the bandwagon so late, but I really didn't know Chris and his band were so good before the (pseudo)media caught on. Jon, I'm holding you personally responsible for not telling me before.

Ok, have we left anyone out, now?

Prof: When Stevens wakes up every morning, he gets a surprise. O’Connor is sick. We thought Rehnquist was going to last forever.

While we're at it...

Prof: This is a typical Douglas opinion… which is to say that it’s virtually unintelligible.

Not to get personal...

Prof: [Justice] Holmes was a dirty old man. And he was mean-spirited. The fact that he is lionized by so many people should be disturbing.

Law students aren't drunks! They're art lovers!

Excerpt from email from the Student Bar Association (no pun intended):

Since the [Law School] does not condone drinking, we are hosting a tour of some of the finest architecture the Pubs in Chicago have to offer. Saturday, February 10th, we will be visiting some of the finest pubs around Lincoln Park/wrigleyville. Nothing is more impressive than they way Beaumont's ceiling is supported by 4 weight-bearing "dancing" poles or the fine craftsmanship that went into creating Barleycorn's 21 beer taps.

Did it come with satisfaction guaranteed?

Prof: Take my summary (of the history of philosophy) for what it’s worth. You paid an enormous amount for it.

What do you get if you baptize Nietzche?

Prof: Thomas Aquinas is Aristotle baptized.

You were really gonna cite that?

From a 1968 2nd Circuit case (our friend Judge Friendly, who else?), discussing the foreseeability of a drunk sailor stupidly sinking a boat:

Moreover, the proclivity of seamen to find solace for solitude by copious resort to the bottle while ashore has been noted in opinions too numerous to warrant citation.

Misson accomplished!

Observation made by an 8th grader: Your room looks like an Elementary school classroom.


(remember: I teach grade 5 and am on the Elementary floor of the school)

Christmas Carols from the DSM-IV

1) Schizophrenia---- Do You Hear What I Hear, the Voices, the Voices?
2) Amnesia-- I Don't Remember If I'll be Home for Christmas (I'm not sure where home is??)
3) Narcissistic-- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
4) Manic-- Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Streets And Stores And Office And Town And Cars And Buses And Trucks And Trees And Fire Hydrants And----
5) Multiple Personality Disorder----We Three Queens Disoriented Are
6) Paranoid---Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Us
7) Borderline Personality Disorder--- You Better Watch Out, You Better not Shout, I'm Gonna Cry, and I'll not Tell You Why
8) Full Personality Disorder--- Thoughts of Roasting You On an Open Fire
9) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
10) Agoraphobia---I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House
11) Senile Dementia---Walking In a Winter Wonderland Miles from My House in My Slippers and Robe
12) Oppositional Defiant Disorder---I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House
13) Social Anxiety Disorder---Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate

and the last one (for Monica) (=

14) Attention Deficit Disorder--We Wish You......Hey Look!! It's Snowing!.............HEY IT IS!!!!! ;)

We can work together!

AIM conversation debating whether or not a study group is in order:

Student 1: I think I have a pretty good handle on things
Student 1: it would help me to hash everything out
Student 1: if that meant TRYING to explain it
Student 2: good for you
Student 2: explain it to my cat
Student 2: while i read the study guide

You may use a calculator and a pair of dice.

Student: I notice on this practice exam there are no tax calculations. Are tax calculations fair game on the exam?

Prof: Everything’s fair game. The good news is there is multiple choice. So if you see numbers and you don’t want to deal with them, what does it cost, right?

Heh.

Tax prof: I'm not trying to make you experts on (the estate tax). If we can get the bare bones--excuse my pun...

Ho ho ho!

Tax prof (re: convincing a rich client to give his kids a bunch of money because of the favorable tax consequences): I don't know that (the kids) knew that I was sort of Santa Claus.

In support of euthanasia...?

Tax prof (re: the estate tax's being done away with but then resurrected): Remember the story about bumpin' off your grandmother (before 2010).

I'm not even going to touch that.

Prof, explaining why the IRS expressly denies deductions for contributions of used stuff of minimal value: You laugh, but we’ve had Presidents give away used socks and underwear and claim large charitable deductions, because it’s Presidential socks and underwear.

Happy Birthday to one of our own.

Happy Birthday Melanie!! She is more than likely being a good student and studying for finals right now.

Melanie is the one who resurrected my blog when I was forced to delete it under dubious circumstances which I shall not go into here...

How studying for Fed Tax makes me feel

My Magic-8 Ball concurs.

Student [in the role of defense counsel]: I would ask for a [Rule] 5(k)(1) motion [which, for you who care, would inform the sentencing judge that the defendant gave substantial assistance during the investigation]..

Prof: Student [in role of prosecutor], are you going to give the defendant a 5(k)(1) for his help?

Student: Ummm… No.

Prof: That’s a fairly arbitrary exercise of discretion there.

Somebody give that contract a blanket!

From Commissioner v. Ferrer, Judge Friendly:

“Attempts to do this [frame a definition] in terms of the degree of clothing adorning the contract cannot explain all the cases, however helpful they me in deciding some…; it would be hard to think of a contract more ‘naked’ than a debenture…”

Why are these words taking up space in my book?

From Federal Income Taxation, p. 727:

“The fact that there are a host of recent cases revolving around self-employment tax due on insurance termination payments suggests, correctly, that the self-employment tax generates considerable litigation.”

Tax reform, anyone?

From Nonprofit Organizations, p. 785:

“If this discussion of public support leaves you hopelessly confused, do not feel alone. The U.S. Tax Court stated that these rules are ‘almost frighteningly complex and technical.’”

Don't mess with lawyers!

Prof (re: getting the attention of a person whom a client was trying to sue): But after I threatened to take his house and put his family out on the street, he started taking my calls. After that I was busy for a week or two and I wouldn't take his calls--let him sweat a little bit.

Does Al Gore know about this?

Sifting through legislative history for a bill passed in 1988 I came across this gem:

"States routinely exchange information with each other for unemployment purposes through an arrangement sometimes referred to as "INTERNET."

Has it really been that long?

I hate Blogger bugs

:-(

Sorry, folks. Not sure what's causing the problems...

This is not the kind of question law students like to answer either.

From An Invitation to Family Law, in an evaluation of alimony policy:

"This is not the kind of question law professors like to ask because answering it would require them to do degrading things like empirical research."

[Originally posted by Becca. Reposted by Monica to try to fix techie bugs.]

Heh Heh

At least the authors have a sense of humor.

Tax textbook (p. 17-3): "[T]he estate tax is reincarnated for transfers by death after 2010."

Get it? Death? Reincarnation? Ha ha.

Just speculating

Student: You say these are simple examples. If we were to have, say, an exam, and I'm sure we will, would you say those examples will be this "simple"?

Prof: You will have an exam. Unless I get hit by a bus. Don't try it...

capitulation at its finest

Prof [after attempting to answer a student's question]: You still look confused. Did that answer your question?

Student: I'm probably about as close as I'm ever going to be to understanding this.

Winter in South Bend

Student 1, passing in staircase: Hey, stop looking out the window forlornly.

Student 2, still sadly staring out the window: ...Someday I'll see the sun again...

Surviving the IRS

Prof: (The character in the textbook problem) underpaid her taxes by a fairly noticeable amount, $250,000. ... Maybe she was one of those "Survivor" people. ... The IRS must be harder than hanging out under palm trees or in Mongolia or whatever.

McDonald's Dollar Menu?

[Background info: All the grad students got an email today that we were charged an extra $1 on our most recent tuition statements, and that the correction will be on our next statements. A discussion erupted before class.]

Student 1: So think about what you're gonna do with your dollar!
Student 2 (who is perhaps ready to be finished with school): Maybe I'll go buy a noose to hang myself.

Advanced communication

Speaker: The defendant has made it clear that he doesn’t want to go to jail and he’ll do anything.

Prof: How has he made it clear?

Speaker: He said, “I don’t want to go to jail and I’ll do anything.”

Is there a right to remain silent in class?

Prof: Let me give you a hint: The feds had no problem getting the kilo [of cocaine]. Student, could you get a kilo easily?

FBI Agent: [surveying room with raised eyebrow] Could anybody here?

BINGO!

Prof: I suppose there may be some isolated counties somewhere--Alabama comes to mind as a place where that might be the case--but in most places you're allowed to play bingo.

Pretty sure that's unrelated

Prof: Say you're a cemetery, but on the side you operate a driving range or something.

What your university really does

Prof (re: unrelated business income and Cornell's inheriting a pasta factory): They hope they're not just in the business of making pasta, although I have to admit that in the engineering program, they seem to make pasta out of the minds of some of the students...

What do bears, stem cells and "herbs" have in common?

Prof: [Tax-exempt organizations that might want to exert political influence include] anything from the Sierra Club, who thinks you should go out and hug bears, to people who oppose stem-cell research, to people who think you should grow herbs and, uh, other things that other people don't think are legal.

When you put it that way...

Prof: Litigation over those trusts was enough to send about twenty lawyers’ children through college.

So do they have dependent clauses?

From our oh-so-profound tax book (yes, this is a grad-level text) on p. 632:

"A complex trust is any trust that is not a simple trust."

Yes, folks, that's all the explanation you get. From there we launch into an explanation of how said complex trusts are taxed.

I'd represent the other one?

Prof: Now if you were a liberal, which party would you be representing? ...Who's the good guy in this case?

At least she enjoyed her work

Prof: We actually filed one of these (lawsuits) for fun when I was practicing law. Oh, it was lots of fun. (The landlord) breached the (lease) contract. ... I mean, come on now, you've got four lawyers. What makes you think they're not gonna sue? We did it over lunch one day.

So do I have to pay my rent?

Prof: And certainly the room is not habitable if you've got to fight the bees to go to bed.

One big happy family...

Prof: And that's one of the things I love about [a specific area of NC]; they're all related, and they can all tell you exactly how they're related.

But Career Services might be able to help you.

Prof [re filing joint tax returns]: Imagine Cindy says to Doug, “I know you don’t like me and don’t even know me, but if you marry me, you’ll save $3,000 on your taxes.” What do you think about that system?

Student: Does Cindy have a sister?

Prof: *laughs* It’s a hypo.

Does that mean I need to buy new shoes?

Nik Nikas, describing the arguments before the Supreme Court on the Partial Birth Abortion Ban: Justice Stevens is the new O'Connor!

Smart cats!

Prof: So if my cats join the S corp ... they must be paid reasonable amounts.

Honesty is the best policy!

Prof: If I've lost you (in explaining the lecture material), I have failed, and I will go home and [pause] forget about it.

Tax terminology...

Prof: Now we have ... the AAA bypass election. Sounds like a kind of surgery or something.

Is this why you combed your hair today, too?

Prof: And, undoubtedly, some of you are wondering, "Why is he wearing a tie? He doesn't seem to be a tie kind of person." Well, you're right; I'm not. ... We have some folks coming in from (an accounting firm) later this afternoon, and consequently, I thought I should look a little more presentable than I usually do. ... And I didn't want to pull a Superman and try to find my tie between classes.

Tell it like it is.

Prof: But I find that liking and disliking (the lecture material) is sort of irrelevant; I'm supposed to teach it, and you're supposed to learn it.

Have a little respect for yourself.

Prof [re writing tax opinion letters for less than $2 million]: If you're going to sell yourself, sell yourself for a lot.

Let's hope the lawyers and the doctors don't get together on this.

Prof [explaining that the estate tax holiday will sunset in 2010 and probably won’t be renewed]: So 2009 is the last year this provision will be available. This is the year your relatives should die. You should inform them of that.

It really is the economy, stupid.

Prof: I don’t really care what the elections mean for minor issues, like Iraq policies. What really matters, of course, is what they mean for tax regulations.

...but if you want to ask us later, we'll be happy to tell you.

From Church of Scientology of California v. Commissioner, 9th Cir. 1987, Judge Tang:

"Because it is unnecessary to our decision, we express no opinion on whether supporting a Church's founder and his family aboard a yacht cruising the Mediterranean constitutes a reasonable Church expense."

And he's always right.

Conductor [introducing a stand-in trumpet player]: You might remember him as a pianist. He played the Mendelssohn Concerto with us two years ago. He's also an Air Force man, which means he can kill you like ten different ways. With his bare hands.

Just try not to levitate.

Conductor: We'll probably go into one four measures before the presto, but for now I'll just... flail like Ahab.

Only if he asks a question about it on the exam.

Prof [after showing this video clip]: Can the teacher deduct the cost of the cell phone as an "ordinary and necessary" business expense?

Thank goodness we've grown up!

Student: [Studies have shown that corporal punishment is not that effective.]

Prof: That’s been my policy with students. Have you noticed that?

Student: Well, I’ve heard stories from your first-year students…

Prof: That’s first year. [Student #2] already said it works for the younger students.

Choosing your clientele...

Prof (re: an audit question regarding welfare recipients): Although, really, was this the best deal you were able to get? Are these the kind of clients that you're going to really get the big bribery bucks from?

Face it, we have wireless.

Prof [While student struggles for an answer]: Somebody email or IM him an answer.

[a minute later]
Prof: What time does the football game start?
Student: [calling out] Six minutes ago.
Prof: *laughs*
Student: It’s nothing-nothing.

Hey, one's an improvement.

Prof: Student… you’ve been a hard one for me because in your picture you have glasses.

Student: I get more girls without them.

Prof: Yeah. I can tell [observing who’s sitting near student]… You’re surrounded by one girl. And that line of guys behind you… That’s all I wanted to ask. [Calls on another student]

No problem--we do what we can.

Prof [re Social Security]: I want to thank the younger generation for participating in this pyramid scheme.

A Tragedy in One Act

[Scene: Oct. 31, entering Law of Education class]

Prof (a.k.a. "The Smiling Assassin"--ref to test grades): Hail Caesar!

Student wearing a toga: Et tu, Brute?

Clarification

Prof: I'm not going to teach you how to create tax shelters for yourselves; I'm going to tell you how to not go to jail for other people's tax shelters.

I went to this school so I could avoid those clients...

Prof: IRC § 280E denies a deduction for expenses of drug trafficking, but you can still deduct for cost of goods sold. So remember, for your drug-dealing clients, they have to choose FIFO or LIFO system of accounting.

The good ol' days

Student: [Outlines defendant’s argument in a case]
Prof: [sarcastically] They’re complaining about the definition of a tax term?
Student: *giggle*
Prof: Well, it was 1945. It was an innocent age.